I Had To Wash My Hair: People Who Didn’t Attend This Year’s PubSprawl Share Their Exciting Stories as to How They Spent March 12th, 2005

March 20, 2005

It's been almost a year since the 8th Annual Limited Edition Pub-Sprawl T-Shirt made it's debut. But like the Shroud of Turin, the Limited Edition T-Shirt is now stained in debate. Once heraled as "pure genius" and "the best pubcrawl t-shirt ever" by hundreds of last year's drunken Pub-Sprawlers, the now imfamous Limited Edition T-Shirt has many Pub-Sprawlers feeling ripped-off and wanting revenge.

A Young T-Shirt Developer's Dreams Come True

"I don't really believe in accounting," says Leonardo Larson, owner of Wee T-Shirts, Inc., and creator of the Pub-Sprawl Limited Edition T-Shirt. "But if I did, I'd say I must have sold about a million of them."

Pub-Sprawlers may remember Leonardo happily selling the Pub-Sprawl T-Shirt to anyone with a few bucks and "a song in their hearts." Arriving at the second bar of the Pub-Sprawl, Leonardo set up shop selling t-shirt after t-shirt to the fun-loving Pub-Sprawl crowd. "By the end of the night I had sold them all. The love and demand was overwhelming."

The simple green emblem on white t-shirt design captured the hearts and minds of many a Pub-Sprawler who quickly dispensed with their money to harness the true essence of the 8th Annual Pub-Sprawl in 100% preshrunk cotton form.

"The minute I saw Leonardo waving that beautiful t-shirt in my face and demanding money for it, I knew I had to purchase one," said Patricia Marson of Glendale Heights. "Where the hell that t-shirt is now, I don't know. I think my friend threw up on it later that day."

The now classic Limited Edition T-Shirt depicted a stereotypical drunken Irish midget, or "lephrechaun," holding two steins of frothy green beer above a banner that read "Pub-Sprawl Chicago." It's a stirring image of St. Patrickness that rarely leaves anyone who gazes upon its splendor unmoved or unaffected. "It called to me the minute I laid eyes on it," says Linda Barrington of Chicago, a thought echoed in many fellow Pub-Sprawlers that day.

Chicago Art Museum Critic Robert L. Bincus notes, "It is extremely rare to find an occasion where art becomes a cultural event, transforming the hearts and minds of millions of people in one fell swoop. Such was the case with the Beatles' 'Sgt. Pepper's' and so it was with Leonardo Larson's magnificent Limited Edition Pub-Sprawl T-Shirt."

So moved by the beauty of young Leonardo Larson's work, Professor Bincus created a semester long class in t-shirt art appreciation at the Museum. "When one considers the type of t-shirt art that went before Leonardo Larson, there is no comparison. He re-invented the medium. Michael Kulay, Patrick Hendelberg, Johann Fredrickson, and yes, even Oscar Baxter, are merely working within the same pallette that Leonardo Larson invented. Each of these t-shirt artists owe their current creative success to Leonardo Larson's bold venture in drunken leprechaun design. The Pub-Sprawl public recognized Leonardo's genius immediately, and only this can explain his success in selling so many Limited Edition T-Shirts."

"It was truly one of the highlights of my life," recalls Leonardo. "I was getting to meet so many people and, best of all, I was firing on all my sales cylinders. Nothing I could say could stop a sale. The public was insatiable. I ended up making a lot of cold, hard cash. Moreso than I ever dreamed."

The Dream Begins To Fade Like A Overwashed T-Shirt

Although critics like Professor Bincus adored Larson's Limited Edition T-Shirt, other lay-people disagreed as to why Leonardo was able to sell so many.

"Professor Bincus is totally full of it, man," says Bill "The Dude" Hammersmith of Ann Arbor, Michigan. "Leonardo was like selling fish in a barrel. It was just that easy. Everybody was like so wasted so of course they'd buy his stupid t-shirt. I mean, it's like throwing candy at a baby. It's not about the art. It's about the booze. The booze in the head."

Other Pub-Sprawlers agree with The Dude. "It was only later, when I was talking to my other Pub-Sprawl friends, that I realized I had paid more than some of the others," said Jennifer Johnson of Winnetka, Illinois. "I think it was because I was a bit drunk. Anyway, that made me feel really bad. Luckily, I met a guy from like out-of-state who paid like twice as much as me, so I laughed and felt a little better. Still, I think it was wrong that Leonardo took advantage of us partying like that."

Jennifer was not the only Pub-Sprawlers who figured out Leonardo's low, low prices would inversely correlate with one's level of sobreity.

Rick Huttchenson of Niles, Illinois recalls, "He was like saying his goofy shirt was like only seven bucks, but then this cute blonde chick came up and he was all like 'Hey babe, are those like Moon Pants you're wearing, coz your ass is like out of this world' and she was all like 'They are Moon Pants, how'd you know?' and he was all like, 'Girl, the only thing better to compliment your Moon Pants would be for you to buy my Limited Edition Pub-Sprawl T-Shirt, it's only three bucks' and she like bought it right there. Dumb bitch."

Rick shakes his head."I don't care what planet you're from, that's like bait-and-switch tactics, right? I mean, it's illegal and sh--." When asked how much he bought his Limited Edition T-Shirt, Rick replied, "I talked him down to something like five or six bucks."

So was it the critically acclaimed artwork or the critical mass amounts of alcohol that was consumed that fueled such tremendous sales for young Leonardo Larson? Or, was it, as one commentator put it the day after Pub-Sprawl, "simply a matter of being the right t-shirt at the right place and time?"

The Dream Turns To Nightmare

Regardless of whether it was the artwork or the alcohol that helped Leonardo spur the sales, hundreds of Pub-Sprawlers wandered home with what could only be described as a "clothing one-hit wonder." In other words, they quickly realized that what they had been so excited to buy at the time was merely a piece of apparel that could only be worn one day of the year, like a Santa Claus tie or a pair of Valentine boxers.

Consumer Psychologists call this "Buyer's Remorse," others call it "...a big rip-off, that's what it is," says Stanley DeWaldron of Cicero, Illinois. "I remember asking Leonardo what the hell use would I get out of his stupid t-shirt once the 8th Annual Pub-Sprawl was over. He used some salesman-like voodoo sh-- on me and conned me into purchasing his t-shirt anyway. Well, here I am, a year older, fifteen dollars lesser, and I still haven't worn it since."

Alice Havenswood of Slinger, Wisconsin, agrees. "My 8th Annual Limited Edition Pub-Sprawl T-Shirt just hangs in my closet next to my Prom dress and Wedding gown. If I didn't have so many coat hangers and closet space, I'd have pitched the damn thing."

"I actually did throw it away," says a tearful Rebecca Rice of Skokie, Illiniois. "Leonardo took advantage of my enthusiatic Pub-Sprawl spirit and all I got in return was a piece of cloth. A f--king piece of cloth!"

Henry Phil, who resides in an undisclosed location, sums it up succinctly, "I want revenge, dammit!"

The Nightmare Turns Into Something Not So Much Like A Nightmare, But Also Not So Much Like A Dream Either - It's Like Something In Between That Is Sometimes Useful In Nature And Sometimes Not

But not all Pub-Sprawlers wallow in self-pity or delusional fantasies of t-shirt revenge. No, some diligent Pub-Sprawlers have chosen not to accept being used. Many figured out ingenius ways of putting their hard-earned dollars that they had misspent on the T-Shirt to good use.

Steve Pietra of Elgin, Illinois, recalls his initial anger. "I woke up the next day, passed out on the floor, my head about three times as big as my skull, staring at this piece of sh--. I thought, I had better not have bought this. That's when I saw the poorly scrawled receipt on the back of a drink coaster - ten bucks. I remembered Leonardo and I nearly puked."

Although Steve chalks up his buying the Limited Edition T-Shirt as some sort of "beer goggle" purchase, he decided to dedicate himself to figuring out a secondary use out of the "Very Limited Edition T-Shirt." "I vowed right then and there to put that useless Pub-Sprawl investment to work. I just needed to figure out a way..."

"It wasn't until in June when I was washing my car did it occur to me. I thought, hey, what the f--k, that damn Pub-Sprawl T-Shirt probably would make a decent carwashin' rag. Sure enough, when I put it to use, it worked like a charm." Steve has used it ever since. Today, Steve joyfully exclaims, "Screw you Leonardo and your lousy no-good t-shirt! I discovered a better use for your sh--!"

Sandra Milewski of Poplar Grove, Illinois couldn't agree more. "I figured it out like a day or two after the Pub-Sprawl. I thought, I won't ever be wearing this thing again, so why not use it around the house? You know, since I spent money on it and all." She immediately downgraded her Limited Edition T-Shirt to "Limited Edition Cleaning Rag" and continues to put it to use every week.

"It's surprisingly rugged. It takes to cleaning the toliet like a dog takes to licking it's you know what. Every time I use it, I think of that dirty bastard Leonardo and what he did to me and all the Pub-Sprawlers by conning me into buying that stupid shirt. I hope he one day gets his."

But not everyone feels like they've gotten their money's worth out of it.

"It's completely useless, that's what it is," says Ralph Kluntz of Cicero, Illinois. Ralph found what he thought might be a good, alternative use for the Limited Edition T-Shirt. "I thought it would make a kick-ass curtain. I have this one window that always lets in the sunlight early in the morning and wakes me up. A day or two after the Pub-Sprawl I hung up the t-shirt to help block out the sun."

The results were less than ideal.

"It sucked! Leonardo made a crappy piece of sh-- product. It's a half-assed t-shirt and even more of a half-assed curtain. He should have made it black or dark blue or something. White barely blocks any light. It's not practical at all."

Although Ralph plans on attending this year's 9th Annual Pub-Sprawl, he has no intention of bringing his curtain along. "It may be half-assed, but I figure, the day I take that crappy assed t-shirt down from that curtain rod, that's the day that no-good Leonardo 'Rip-Off' Larson wins. He was just in it for the money. He ain't no artist; he's just a scam artist."

The Dawn Of A New Day Of Hopeful Promise And A Chance To Dream Again...Perhaps

So it seems the rousing cheers of adolation that Pub-Sprawlers gave the Limited Edition T-Shirt when it debuted at last year's Pub-Sprawl has now turned into a bitter rash rubbing painfully across the chest and underarms of Pub-Sprawler souls everywhere. Was the T-Shirt true art or merely commercialism and greed sewed up in a convenient, one-size-fits-all preshrunk cotton package? It's still open for debate.

The question remains as to whether someone else will hawk a similar product this year. And if someone does, will the Pub-Sprawlers learn from last year's Limited Edition T-Shirt mistake? Or, will they continue to purchase such expendible and useless Pub-Sprawl products quickly packaged to capitalize off their good-nature and free spirit? Only time will tell.

Still, young Leonardo Larson is taking his fellow Pub-Sprawler's criticisms and the great Limited Edition Pub-Sprawl T-Shirt debate in stride. "I'm certainly not going to make another t-shirt this year. I mean, how could I top myself?" Leonardo believes it's just best to take it easy this year, attend the 9th Annual Pub-Sprawl, and blend in with the Pub-Sprawl crowd.

"Look, I made my money and I expressed my art. Maybe it's time for someone else to pick up the torch and run with it. Besides, I'm not one for choosing sides in debates like this one. However, if I was a guy who actually could choose sides in debates, then there is no doubt in my mind that I would choose my side."

Still, given the extent of this issue and the stark creases it has drawn, does Leonardo predict he'll see his Limited Edition T-Shirt proudly worn by a few Pub-Sprawlers this year?

"Of course," he says with a smile. "And I probably will for year's to come."

Pub-Sprawl correspondent Peter Doyle, Alexander Pippington, and Anthony "Tony" Oleari contributed to this special report. Bill Peterswillingly helped with the use of the semi-colon.