February 27, 2005
Gone
are the days when a Pub-Sprawl was simply a Pub-Sprawl.
Now, they got to sell you something. What's that something?
This year's Pub-Sprawl King, Melvin
O'Tardson, a bona fide Safety Helmet Model can now be
found on a variety of "official" Pub-Sprawl products.
Like Elvis, Michael Jordan, Marilyn Monroe, Sammy Sosa,
and Jesus Christ, Melvin O'Tardson has turned his Pub-Sprawl
King nomination into big dollars, liscensing his image on
any and all products that will pay him handsomely to use
it.
But is O'Tardson doing this alone, or is he backed by the
large corporate beheamoth that is Pub-Sprawl? And, is O'Tardson
really making money or is this just one more story about
Corporate America short-busing the little guy?
"My son Melvin really doesn't know what's going on,"
explains a concerned Mrs. O'Tardson. "He's a victim
of the Pub-Sprawl's new-found greed. He's being exploited
and I don't think that's fair."
"It's really not about selling out," says Clyde
Rourke, chairman of the Pub-Sprawl Marketing and Homeland
Defense Committee. "It's about sharing with fellow
Pub-Sprawlers the joy in celebrating this year's new King.
There's no exploitation going on at all. If anyone or anything
is being exploited, it's the Pub-Sprawl. But you don't hear
the Pub-Sprawl complaining do you? Of course not."
"Anyway, all we did was take Melvin's picture and
slap it on a bunch of high-quality, non-warrantied imported
consumer gifts and merchandise. How could he possibly be
harmed? He didn't even know it was being done."
A
quick perusal of the Pub-Sprawl product catalog includes
a variety of products using the O'Tardson image. Pub-Sprawlers
can purchase anything from t-shirts, hats, mouse pads, clocks,
Christmas ornaments, sex toys, and even product catalogs
with O'Tardson's image on them.
"Look at this one here," Rouke joyfully explains.
"It's a stein with Melvin's face on it. It's beautiful.
Where else can you get such an exquisite luxury stein hand-crafted
in the Alps of Southern Germany with O'Tardson's face on
it and a sticker on the bottom that says 'Made in China'?
I'll tell you where: no where, but the Pub-Sprawl product
catalog."
It's not the stein, however, that upsets Mrs. O'Tardson
the most. It's the 2005 Calendar. "Melvin doesn't have
the faintest clue what day it is, much less what month or
year, and the Pub-Sprawl has the gall - the utter gall -
to put my son's face on it. It gives the impression to the
Pub-Sprawl consumer that Melvin actually uses such an organized
system of reckoning time in which the beginning, length,
and divisions of a year are defined. It's absurd. Melvin
always thinks it's Tuesday. Strawberry Tuesday at that.
He would never put his name on such a product. It's misrepresentation,
that's what it is."
"Look, it's not as if it's a swimsuit calendar,"
Rouke defends. "However, we understand Mrs. O'Tardson's
pain and rest assured, we have no plans to continue selling
the 2005 calendars into the next year."
"Well,
at least they're giving on something," Mrs. O'Tardson
reasons.
Still, that doesn't make her feel any better about her
son's deal. "The worst part of it all is that we don't
get a cut of any of the money. It all goes directly to the
Pub-Sprawl."
But Mrs. O'Tardson says she realizes there's not much she
can do to stop the exploitation. "I didn't read the
contract at all before signing it on behalf of Melvin. If
I had, I think we would have realized that we were getting
exploited."
"In fact," Rourke adds who recalls being at the
contract signing, "I specifically told Mrs O'Tardson
that Melvin would be getting exploited and that she really
should have a lawyer look at the contract before signing."
"Yeah, that is true," Mrs. O'Tardson sadly agrees.
"I figured, 'Oh well, what's the worst that could possibly
happen?' and then signed it."
"That's
true, Mrs. O'Tardson did say that," Rourke states.
"But make no mistake, our lawyer said right before
she signed it, 'Mrs. O'Tardson, you do realize you could
lose all rights to your son's image, recieve no share of
the profits, and have him be exploited for years and years
to come.'"
"Yeah, I remember that," Mrs. O'Tardson admits.
"I just figured, you know, since it was a lawyer saying
it, it must have been a lie. Who knew that some lawyers
actually tell the truth? There should be a law against that
or something."
When asked what he thought of being the ubiquitous poster-boy
of this year's Pub-Sprawl, Melvin yelled, "Eleven!"
and joyfully clapped his hands.
Pub-Sprawl correspondent Geraldo Rivet contributed
to this report.
