SEAMUS O'FFEND's VERY OWN
On the t*ts of a barmaid named Gayle,
Were tattooed prices of beer, stout, and Ale,
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was precisely the same, but in Braille.
There was a young gigolo named Bruno
Who said, "Screwing's one thing I do know.
While women are fine,
And sheep are divine,
Llama's are numero uno!"
There was a young girl from Devizes
Who had t*ts of different sizes
One was small
Almost nothing at all
And the other was big, and won prizes.
There was a young lady from Brewster
Who's ass was so nice that I goosed her,
But her panties were thin
And my finger slipped in
And it still just don't smell like it used ter.
A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexahedron cal ball
The cube of its weight
Times his pecker, plus eight
Is his phone number ... give him a call
There once was a man from Australia
Who painted his ass like a dahlia
The color was fine
And the likeness, sublime
But the aroma, now that was the falia
An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
Likes to fondle the young men she loves.
She will use her bare fist
If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves
There was a young man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
Said he, "I'll admit
She does smell a bit,
But look at the money I save!"
There was a young Scotsman called Andy,
Who knocked over his bottle of Shandy.
He lifted his kilt,
To wipe up what he spilt,
and the barmaid said "Blimey!, that's handy"
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes which left her quite nude
Saw a man come along
And unless I'm quite wrong
You expected this line to be lewd.
SEAMUS O'FFEND's FAVORITES SENT INTO PUBSPRAWL.COM
There once was a woman from Hunt
Who smoked a cigar with her c***
Smoke rings did she blow
As part of the show
T’was really one hell of a stunt!
--Gwen Ness, Nectar of the Gods
There once was a lass from Kilkenney
Whose usual price was a penny
For half of that sum
You could finger her bum.
I forgot that which rhymes here with penny
--EEE
In the garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
He chuckled with mirth,
For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
--Anonymous
A dentist, young Doctor Malone,
Got a charming girl patient alone,
And in his depravity
He filled the wrong cavity
And my how his practice has grown!
--Anonymous2 (not the same Anonymous, apparently)
There was a young man from New Haven,
Who had an affair with a raven.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
She sure was in need to be shaven.
--Come on, claim this one! Come on!
A large-organed female in Dallas,
Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus,
Was virgo intacto,
Because, ipso facto,
No phallus in Dallas fit Alice
--Alright, we know it's gotta be the same person, now! 'Fess up!
Once on the Isle of Eire
A lass met with some genital fire
She tried salves and balms
Applied with her palms
The pain remains, but of the action she does not tire
--Someone You Know
There 0nce was a man from Boston
Who traveled the world in an austin
He had room for his ass
And a gallon of gas
But his balls hung out and he lost them
--TOPH
There Once was a young man from Devises
Whose testes were two different sizes
One was so small--
It was no ball at all
But the other won several prizes.
--We think TOPH again, although there was no name attached.
There Once was a man From Nantucket
Whose c*ck was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
While wiping his chin
If my ear were a c*nt I would f*ck it
--TOPH
There once was a lad from Chicago
Who penis, vas deferens, wet stink hole.
Poo, pee, and shite
Eat it all night.
And into your arse shove a wheat roll.
--Anonymous
There once was a man from Kansas,
Who's nuts were made out of brass
In stormy weather,
he'd clack them together
and lightning shot out of his ass
--Dave
I once knew a man from France.
His hands played about in his pants.
When he tickled his taint
He penis got spraint
And his nards did a quick little dance.
--Anonymous
I knew a young man from Skokie
Whom the cops locked up in the pokey.
Where to his chagrin,
The menu was thin,
Cause tossin' a salad's no jokey.
--Anonymous
That's AWESOME!
-Mr. O'Enthusiastic
( This is not a limerick, John O'Hook!!!)
An aquaintance of my dear friend
Put a rodent into his hind end.
Though you might think it queer
He was one Ricky Gere,
And he loves to feel that f*cker squirm in his arse.
--Anonymous
Once on a Chi-town Pub-Sprawl
From a bar, we received a call
"When are you coming?"
So, then we left running
To Lakeview, the start of it all
--O.K. Not dirty...but more are coming. - TCA
There was a man named Ron Jeremy
He was huge but too ugly and hairy
But he got paid to do triple X
And said what the heck
Damn, I wish I was Ron Jeremy
--Zuke (Dave)
T'were naught but a month ago
That the ground was all covered in snow.
Though to my dismay
The place where I lay
To make angels was strangely yellow.
--Hugh G. Rection
A young man with muscles quite sore
Got a bit more than he bargained for
His masseuse did explain
While relieving his pain
Happy endings didn't even cost more.
--Hugh G. Rection
While positioning o'er the bowl
A report blew forth from my hole
Though the mens' room was hushed
By my courtesy flush
I had finally accomplished my goal.
--Hugh G. Rection
The art of the limerick an old one.
The shower I've taken a gold one.
The content be dirty
Diarrhoea be squirty
Impolite as it is to have told one.
--Hugh G. Rection
