A drunken Irishman gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes later, another loud scream reverberates throughout the bar. The bartender goes to the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there"? "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I flush something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!"
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says....."You idiot--You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
* * * *
Murphy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Paddy's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"
Murphy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You jerk," yells Murphy, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
* * * *
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waitingroom. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There was some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"
Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
* * * *
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"
* * * *
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were all sentenced to death by firing squad.
The Englishman was brought out first and the firing squad took aim, when suddenly the Englishman yelled out, "AVALANCHE!" In the confusion that followed he escaped.
Next the Scotsman thought he would try something similar. As the firing squad took aim he yelled, "FLOOD!" and he too made his escape.
Finally, it was the Irishman's turn. Confident of following in his friends' footsteps, as the firing squad took aim, he yelled "FIRE!"
* * * *
Sean and Murphy left the pub after a long night of some serious drinking. Completely hammered, they headed off to their car, singing loudly and laughing. They stumbled into their car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man suddenly appeared outside the passenger window and tapped lightly.
Murphy screamed, "Sean--there's a ghost outside tapping on my window!!! Speed up!!!" Sean hit the gas, but the old man's face hovered outside Murphy's window.
Murphy rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got a cigarette?"
Murphy quickly threw the old man a cigarette, rolled up the window and yelled for Sean to speed up faster!
A few minutes later they both calmed down a bit and started singing and laughing again as all drunken Irishmen do.
Sean laughed and said, "You know, I don't know what happened back there with that ghost, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."
And with that, all of a sudden there was that light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared again!
Murphy and Sean screamed in terror. This couldn't be!" Sean re-checked the speedometer--80mph!
And still the old man tapped.
Murphy, though trembling, managed to roll down the window and shakily ask, "Yes?"
The old man softly replied, "Do you have a light?"
Murphy threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it, man! He caught up with us again!!!!"
Sean gunned it. They were easily traveling at about 100 miles an hour. Just when they started to calm down and forget what they had seen and heard, there came that familiar tapping once again at the side of the passenger window.
"Oh my God! He's back! We can't outrun the ghost!" Murphy, in a fit of terror and rage, mustered up the courage to once again roll down the window. "WHAT NOW?" he barked at the ghost.
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
* * * *
An Irish drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. Puzzled at the non-Catholic service, he proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back, ever the open-minded fellow, and says, "Yes sir, I am."
The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.
Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
* * * *
Three Brits were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy said he was going to piss him off and get into a fight. He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a queer sissy wuss boy!"
The Irishman looked up from his drink and answered, "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Brit walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a queer sissy wuss boy and he didn't care!"
The second Brit said, "You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second Brit walked over and tapped the Irishman on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!"
The Irishman responded, "Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you."
Shocked beyond belief, the Brit went back to his buddies. "Your right, he is unshakable!"
The third Brit said: "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch."
The English man walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said..."I hear your St. Patrick was an English man!"
The Irishman looked up and said, "Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
* * * *
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and carefully placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a fellow customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin'," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
* * * *
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!!"
* * * *
An Irishman, a kilted Scotsman, Jesus, Bill Clinton, a priest, two lesbians, a blonde, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "What the hell is this? Some kind of a joke?
* * * *
A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well.
The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here.
Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us.
The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks - how is business.
The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again.
* * * *
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were having tea, one fine day, out on one of Buchingham's balconies.
The Queen turns to the Pope and says "You know it is quite amazing the adoration and respect my subjects have for me. Why just one wave of my hand and I will have that whole crowd down there cheering. I will have made there day by this simple recognition."
"Well, I am glad to hear this," replied the Pope.
"Yes, quite wondrous...just on quick wave of this hand and I'll make all those English men and women happy..." As she waves to the crowd a great cheer is heard. "See," she says with a sigh.
"Quite..." the Pope pondered on this, and then exclaimed, "Well, I think with one quick wave of my hand I may be able to make a lot of Irish happy."
"Here, while you are sitting right here? Really your Holiness, this is England, not Ireland." she stated incredulously.
SLAP!!!!!
* * * *
Irish Riddles
Q. What do you get if you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover?
A. A rash of good luck!
Q. How can you tell an Irishman is having a good time?
A. He's Dublin over with laughter.
Q. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A. Because real rocks look funny.
Q. Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A. Because they are always a little short.
Q. What do leprechauns put on their back porch?
A. Patty O'Furniture.
Q. Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
A. Because he couldn't afford the air fare.
Q. What does the Irish mother yell to her children to get them up in the morning?
A. Get your Irish up!
* * * *
Irish Knock Knock Jokes
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Irish stew.
Irish stew who?
Irish stew in the name of the law.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish I knew some more knock, knock jokes.
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a Happy St. Patrick's Day!
* * * *
Q: Did you hear about the two queer Irishmen?
A: Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael.
* * * *
An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her fatherwas getting frail and elderly.
She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing furs and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said "Hmmm - they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London."
The girl took his hands and said "Dad - I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."
Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called.
As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly "I'm a goner--killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"
"Please forgive me", his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."
Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. "Did you say prostitute? I thought you said PROTESTANT!!"
