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Low PubSprawler Turnout is Feared Due to Cheney Shooting 
March 8, 2006
As all PubSprawlers know, it's tradition for the sitting Vice President to be a part of the PubSprawl festivities. However, thanks to the recent hunting accident involving Vice President Dick Cheney, many predict this year's 10th Annual PubSprawl attendance will be negatively affected by the scandal.
“Mr. Cheney will be most welcome to attend. We will not let one little accident involving a small amount of bird shot pellets get in the way of what has become a long standing PubSprawl tradition,” said Bruce Arnoldson speaking on behalf of the PubSprawl.
"I agree with what that guy just said," agreed Tim Yarlitz, the offical PubSprawl spokesman shortly before Bruce stepped away from the podium and back into the audience. "Except he did say it betterer than how I was gonna say it."
Over the past ten years the PubSprawl has been relatively devoid of any scandals. To date, the only notable incident involved Vice President Al Gore in 1996. For several hours, and over a span of 3 to 4 pubs, Mr. Gore was allegedly confused with a dartboard and suffered a number of small puncture wounds. Secret Service did not pursue the matter when told of the incident stating that they “totally understood a mistake like that.” Luckily, Mr. Gore was repaired before the last pub on the route.
The only other notable incident occured in 2001 when both Mr. Gore and current Vice President Dick Cheney showed up to the PubSprawl.
“It was kinda awkward seeing them both conduct the honorary ceremony of opening the doors to the first pub,” said Sean O’Callaghan, a Pubsprawl veteran and life-long non-voter.
“The mistake was really quite easy to understand, once you look at the PubSprawl process of inviting the Vice President,” stated PubSprawl attorney, Phillip Hackelsneid. “Neither Mr. Gore nor Mr. Cheney are particularly well versed in the law, let alone constitutional law, so back in 2000 PubSprawl Management tried to hedge their bets. With the confusion over the Florida elections in 2000, PubSprawl Management opted to send both Mr. Gore and Mr. Cheney an invitation. No one expected the loser to show. I guess Mr. Gore kinda took it hard. He sure did pound a few stiff drinks!"
Which brings us to this year's scandal with Mr. Cheney. According to the head of Pubsprawl Security, Michael Collins, the odds of any firearms in the possession of any Vice President while on the Pubsprawl are extremely low. “We have stepped up our security measures considerably since 2001. In fact, just recently there has been a significant enhancement in our procedures - we contracted several key aspects of our security operation to a company owned by the government of United Arab Emirates. Oh crap, please don’t print that.”
Bill Donahue of the PubSprawl Committee of Quaint Sayings and Wrap Ups summed it up with a simple statement, “There’s nothing to worry about because everyone's a friend on the PubSprawl and the only shots we’re concerned with are the kind that come in tiny little glasses.”
PubSprawl Correspondent Hal O. Davidock contributed to this report.
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